If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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