oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
