I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm eating all of the evidence.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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