are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
