My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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