you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize