whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
