She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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