i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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