i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
