Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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