im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Well I just put wine in my tea
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
