hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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