Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
