I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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