there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
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