Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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