I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
