Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
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