my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
