I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
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