eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i will never coherently bang her
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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