if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
