We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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