he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
