i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
