I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
