Dude my mom stole all your condoms
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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