u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize