Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
