just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
