Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
