I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
