The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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