I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
