i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
