Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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