never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
