If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
