Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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