I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
