weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize