Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
