i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
