A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
