after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
