i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
