Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
