This dress was meant to end up on your floor
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
