Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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