mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
