we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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