Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We have started to decorate penises.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
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