dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
