Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
