so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
