Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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