new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize