someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
