My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
