Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
