My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
